Stopping and resting. When was the last time you did either?

By “stopping and resting” I don’t mean laying down and taking a nap (although that sounds lovely right about now).  I mean to literally stop moving. Stop planning. Stop thinking. Stop DOING.

To just BE.

Life moves pretty fast, and if we don’t stop and look around once in a while, well, we could miss it.

Yeah, I know. We’re all under pressure every day to keep up.  Keep up with what? The Joneses?

Spoiler alert: The Joneses only exist in your head.

Our culture puts a ton of pressure on us to keep up with our imaginary friends (or not-so-imaginary ones), but we also put incredible amounts of pressure on ourselves to go-go-go and do-do-do.  We “should” take care of others in our lives. We “need” to finish our honey-do lists.  We “have” to figure out our illnesses so we can get back to our lives of doing.

It’s like we’re waiting for someone to give us permission to stop… and rest.

Stopping and resting.

Life can be overwhelming, and when we are sick, this feeling of being overwhelmed compounds.  Being in pain, having gut issues, fatigue, or brain fog does NOT help matters.  Who’s with me on this one?

But: what if it was ok to stop doing?

I invite you to do just that. Slow down.  Have some water. Stretch. Ok sure, lay down – enjoy some restorative yoga nidra.  Breathe.  Rest. Just be for a while.

These have been difficult times for many of us.

Yeah, it’s easy to say “stop it” when looking in from the outside. But who the heck has time for stopping and resting with all that needs to be done?! There are mouths to feed and bills to pay and work to do!

Having a chronic illness can be overwhelming in and of itself.  We may also be caring for sick or elderly family members in addition to our own sick and fatigued selves.

Maybe we’re moving or getting married or getting divorced or having a baby.  Maybe we’re starting a new diet or fitness routine or we’ve started a new job.

And, oh yeah, on top of all that, there’s a pandemic that’s throwing a monkey wrench into everything.

How to combat this feeling of overwhelm?

Simple: Don’t think about the future. Just do one thing at a time.

Yep, I’m back to do-ing.  Stay with me here!

If we are able to stay focused on one thing at a time we have the potential to move into a state of be-ing while we are do-ing.

This poem by Elana Mikhalkova from her book “The Room of Ancient Keys” states this concept more eloquently than I ever could:

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers

Let’s talk advice.

At what times do you find yourself giving advice?

Are you truly serving the other person when doing so?

I’m not talking about if you are in a teacher or mentor role here.  In those situations, one would assume there would be a lot of advice-giving.

I’m not talking about fixing tangible problems.  If Prowler needs a jump, then Prowler needs a jump (sorry, couldn’t find the vid to match that one!).

I’m also not talking about telling someone to “stay away from the edge of the cliff and stop playing games”, either.  That’s showing concern for someone’s common sense and basic safety (both of which may or may not have been lacking in the photo above… but I digress).

I’m talking about issues of the heart, mind, and soul.

And believe you me, autoimmune issues are definitely of the heart, mind, and soul

Are you an “advice monster”?

Among family and friends, how often do you speak up to solve their problems? What is telling you the difference between the other person truly wanting help – or just wanting a pair of ears to listen?

What is telling you that their hearts and minds are ready, willing, and open to receive your advice?

Hint: When someone complains or says “I just don’t know”, this does NOT give you the green light to spew forth “helpful” information.

I went through a huge phase of telling people what to do when it came to diet, exercise, sleep, what have you.  I thought I had all the answers and knew what to do.

Which is preposterous, as no one ever knows exactly what to do for another.  No one ever knows exactly what another person really needs or wants.

Telling someone what to do can be the worst thing you can do.

It can be frustrating or downright painful when we think something will help another person. And yet:  telling them might be the worst thing we can do for them.  Why is this?

Because it takes away their power.  Their autonomy. Their ability to figure things out for themselves.

We are saying “we know way better than you, so listen to me!  doesn’t matter what you think.  Here, let me tell you what to do.”  Yikes!

When was the last time someone gave you unsolicited advice?  What happened in your body?

I bet a part of you tensed up.  Closed down.  Got hot and fidgety.  You got the shifty eyes.  You started thinking of responses and retorts before the other person finished speaking.

Invisible Acts of Power

The below thoughts are paraphrased from Carline Myss’ book “Invisible Acts of Power” (highly recommend the audio version if you can handle her voice, bless her wonderful Chicago accent!):

“Giving advice is easy because you don’t have to live w/ the consequences. Someone else does.

But what about “giving” silence?

To choose to say nothing… is one of the finest, most elegant acts of generosity in the world. To choose to withhold a perception that will not serve a situation is a profound act of generosity and service.

I invite you to ask yourself:  What and who will be served by your opinion? Would you actually do those things yourself if you were in that *exact* situation (and, how can you be 100% sure of the other person’s *exact* situation)?

If you put forward an opinion, will the person you are advising be empowered… or disempowered?

When you shoot off your opinions to people when they are most vulnerable, you take the strength of your opinion (be it “right” or “wrong”) and ram it right through them – when they are already shattered.

And in a moment of trying to figure out what to do, they may listen to you. Does their listening mean sharing your opinion is the “correct” thing to do?

It is difficult at times to maintain silence. But: It is an act of service.

One of the most precious gifts you can give another human being is to listen to them when they need to talk.

No one ever says they were grateful for people to solve their problems, for someone to say “I’ll make your life decisions for you”.

They are, however, grateful when someone listens with a presence of objectivity and nonjudgment.”

Offering advice: How to do it.

Now, there is a way to offer advice.  Keyword here being OFFER.

It’s a two-step process:

One:  simply ask.

To say, “Hey, may I offer something here?”  allows the person the option to say “nope I’m good” (although I have yet to hear someone say this in response to an offer).  Asking first lets the person you are talking to keep their power in tact.

(and yeah, this feels goofy at first, but believe me, no one cares if you feel goofy.)

Two:  After sharing your thoughts, always, ALWAYS follow up with:  “so what do YOU think about this?”

If the other person is open to advice, this will be obvious:  “huh, I never thought of that, thanks!”

If they are not open at this time, this is your signal to shut the f*** up.

They may get defensive and say “yeah, but…” and explain away again why they are doing what they are doing (or not doing).  They are not ready.

They may repeat “I don’t know” Which means they are not ready to take in any advice.  Their minds are not open to new information right now.  Which is ok!

Take comfort in the fact that you offered something, and it was heard.  And, who knows, perhaps you planted a seed that will some day take root on its own – when that person is ready for a new idea to be implemented.

I see a lot of stressed-out, sick people in my coaching practice. They are already dealing with so much.  To throw even more information at them and expect them to follow advice?  System overload.

What to do then?

One word:  Just listen.

(Ok that was two words.) 🙂

For more on the fine art of listening and having a conversation, check out this video.

Are you a giver of unsolicited advice?

How’s that working out for you – really?  What do you notice in your body when you give advice – and what do you notice in the other person’s energy when they hear your advice?  Take note of how they shift in their seat, where their eyes go, if they stiffen up, if they look distant.  What is this body language saying to you?

Becoming an observer instead of an “advice monster” is a super-ninja-power that everyone has.  It’s not some talent reserved for the few.  We all have this.

We just have to learn when and how to shut up to be able to tap into that superpower.

To all of my family and friends that I threw advice at, my sincere apologies.

And:  If you ever need someone to just listen, let me know – I’ve learned how to do that (and quite well), and I promise I will never, ever tell you what to do.

Unless, of course, you are ready to hear my thoughts.  Which will never, ever be more powerful or true than your own thoughts.

What do YOU think?

I would love to be a support (and offer my ears to listen) to you if you are looking to make either big or little shifts in your life. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:

• accepting what is
• creating balance in your life
• working through emotions of grief, sadness, or loss
• helping you create new habits or structure in your life
• help you regain control if you are feeling out of control
• letting go of perfectionism when it comes to your health
• how best to manage stress and anxiety
• creating boundaries with family, friends, and co-workers
• giving yourself permission to just be – no matter where you are in your life.

To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach (A-CFHC) and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.

This post may contain affiliate links, which means I get a wee bit of money if you purchase an item through that link (at no extra cost to you). As always, I appreciate your support.

This post may contain affiliate links, which means I get a wee bit of money if you buy something via that link (at no additional cost to you). As always, I appreciate your support.This post may contain affiliate links, which means I get a wee bit of money if you buy something via that link (at no additional cost to you). As always, I appreciate your support.

Stories. We all tell ourselves stories.  And all of these stories are shaped by our internal voices, our families, past trauma, parental voices, the culture in which we grew up or are currently living in.  Every person will tell a very different story depending on their perspective.  Some parts of a story may be true, some may be fabricated in our minds.

What is it about the way you are telling your stories that is serving you well?  Or, maybe not so well?  What is causing you to hold on to these stories?

A tale of two stories.

I would like to share two stories from two people, who went to the same music school at around the same time and studied with the same music professor.  Note how different their stories are:

Story One:

This person had an incredibly stressful time at the conservatory.  His professor verbally and emotionally abused him every week in their lessons.  The school itself asked a lot of their students, which was also stressful; he felt they didn’t understand that what they were asking for was way too much. Now, 25 years later, he still has anger about his time at the conservatory.  He was so angry that he gave up music completely for a time.  While he now has a career in music, he continues to bitterly complain about his professor and blame him for his current health issues, which he says prevent him from leading the life he was meant to have lived.

Story Two:

This person also had a stressful time at the conservatory.  She had the same professor as the person above and was subject to the same weekly abuse from them.  She too took some time off from playing.  When she returned to music, she thought about the lessons she had with this abusive professor.  She realized he actually did have some great advice, but his means of delivering it was not the best.  The school had really super high standards, and these standards made her a better person overall and taught her how to strive for being the best in whatever she does.  She too has health issues 25+ years on; she considers that perhaps these issues started because of the stress she faced while at school.  However she also knows that she would not be where she is today without going through all that she has, and for this she is grateful.

What is your story telling you?

Yeah, that’s me in the second story.

I had a real asshole for a teacher. This conservatory was the most stressful place I had ever encountered.  And I do believe that one of my root causes for my Hashimoto’s is the stress I endured while in school, but: what good would have come had I bathed myself in that negative space of blame and playing the victim?

Ok, confession time: That’s me in the first story too (no, I didn’t get a sex change, that was just to throw you off. was I successful? meh, doesn’t matter).  I did harbor feelings of anger and experienced great anxiety about my music for some time.  I was pretty bitter, too.  Yikes.

It took some time for me to rewrite my story into the one in the second paragraph. I also had the help of a great therapist who worked with me doing EMDR therapy.  EMDR goes into the “back door” of your brain to rewire your thought patterns, something that worked well for me when traditional talk therapy did very little. Highly recommend if talking and journaling in circles is not working for you.

Reframing your Stories.

What stories are you currently holding on to?  About your autoimmune issues, your health, your life?

What are those stories currently telling you?

If you could listen to yourself tell this story, what are you hearing?

When it comes to your stories, some questions to ponder:

First of all, rewriting a story may take some time.  This is not to be rushed. Just acknowledging that you have these stories is the first step. Instead of trying to rewrite everything in one day, honor your story and where it is coming from. Perhaps ask yourself:

• Am I telling myself a story? What about this story is true (factual)? What is not factual and is my own opinion and judgment?
• Is this a story I want to tell?
• What about this story is helping me right now? Sometimes stories protect us in some way and can be helpful for a time.

To go a little deeper, ask yourself:

• What emotions are behind this story?
• Is there fear, sadness, anger, grief?
• What does that tell you about your story?
• Are there needs behind your stories?
• Are there recurring themes across your stories, like a need to be heard? or a need for connection?

And:

• If you could re-write them in any way with the best possible outcomes, how would you do so?

If it doesn’t feel right to rewrite them yet, that’s ok.  This takes time. Be kind, be gentle, go slow.  Be curious and nonjudgmental with yourself.

And:  seek help if you need it. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes is what we need to achieve this new perspective.  I’m always here to offer support if needed; see below for more info.

Until next time,

Sandy

MY OFFER TO YOU.

I would love to be a support to you, no matter what fears you are facing at this time.

As your coach, I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now.  We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:

• creating new habits – or maintaining current habits
• work challenges – either working from home or being out of work
• figuring out how to best spend your time with your now at-home children (and still retain your sanity)
• fears of starting a new career
• how best to manage stress
• guilty feelings about cheating on your diet
• fear around changing your diet
• feeling ok doing absolutely nothing for a while
• creating boundaries with family, friends, and co-wokers
• helping you create structure in your life and a plan moving forward – whatever that may mean to you
• help you regain control if you are feeling out of control
• giving yourself permission to just be – no matter where you are in your life.

To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.

Be well, everyone, and I look forward to meeting you.

Sandy

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.