ICF and National Board Certified Holistic Life & Wellness Coach
Being brave and courageous. What does that even mean, to “be brave”? I’m not talking about being ballsy or throwing all caution to the wind. To explain the difference, a little story for you. I was recently in a situation at work with someone who…
“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.” ― C.S. Lewis Autoimmune disease and beliefs. What comes up for you when reading that? I used to believe that once I was…
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers
Let’s talk advice.
At what times do you find yourself giving advice?
Are you truly serving the other person when doing so?
I’m not talking about if you are in a teacher or mentor role here. In those situations, one would assume there would be a lot of advice-giving.
I’m not talking about fixing tangible problems. If Prowler needs a jump, then Prowler needs a jump (sorry, couldn’t find the vid to match that one!).
I’m also not talking about telling someone to “stay away from the edge of the cliff and stop playing games”, either. That’s showing concern for someone’s common sense and basic safety (both of which may or may not have been lacking in the photo above… but I digress).
I’m talking about issues of the heart, mind, and soul.
And believe you me, autoimmune issues are definitely of the heart, mind, and soul
Among family and friends, how often do you speak up to solve their problems? What is telling you the difference between the other person truly wanting help – or just wanting a pair of ears to listen?
What is telling you that their hearts and minds are ready, willing, and open to receive your advice?
Hint: When someone complains or says “I just don’t know”, this does NOT give you the green light to spew forth “helpful” information.
I went through a huge phase of telling people what to do when it came to diet, exercise, sleep, what have you. I thought I had all the answers and knew what to do.
Which is preposterous, as no one ever knows exactly what to do for another. No one ever knows exactly what another person really needs or wants.
It can be frustrating or downright painful when we think something will help another person. And yet: telling them might be the worst thing we can do for them. Why is this?
Because it takes away their power. Their autonomy. Their ability to figure things out for themselves.
We are saying “we know way better than you, so listen to me! doesn’t matter what you think. Here, let me tell you what to do.” Yikes!
When was the last time someone gave you unsolicited advice? What happened in your body?
I bet a part of you tensed up. Closed down. Got hot and fidgety. You got the shifty eyes. You started thinking of responses and retorts before the other person finished speaking.
The below thoughts are paraphrased from Carline Myss’ book “Invisible Acts of Power” (highly recommend the audio version if you can handle her voice, bless her wonderful Chicago accent!):
“Giving advice is easy because you don’t have to live w/ the consequences. Someone else does.
But what about “giving” silence?
To choose to say nothing… is one of the finest, most elegant acts of generosity in the world. To choose to withhold a perception that will not serve a situation is a profound act of generosity and service.
I invite you to ask yourself: What and who will be served by your opinion? Would you actually do those things yourself if you were in that *exact* situation (and, how can you be 100% sure of the other person’s *exact* situation)?
If you put forward an opinion, will the person you are advising be empowered… or disempowered?
When you shoot off your opinions to people when they are most vulnerable, you take the strength of your opinion (be it “right” or “wrong”) and ram it right through them – when they are already shattered.
And in a moment of trying to figure out what to do, they may listen to you. Does their listening mean sharing your opinion is the “correct” thing to do?
It is difficult at times to maintain silence. But: It is an act of service.
One of the most precious gifts you can give another human being is to listen to them when they need to talk.
No one ever says they were grateful for people to solve their problems, for someone to say “I’ll make your life decisions for you”.
They are, however, grateful when someone listens with a presence of objectivity and nonjudgment.”
Now, there is a way to offer advice. Keyword here being OFFER.
It’s a two-step process:
One: simply ask.
To say, “Hey, may I offer something here?” allows the person the option to say “nope I’m good” (although I have yet to hear someone say this in response to an offer). Asking first lets the person you are talking to keep their power in tact.
(and yeah, this feels goofy at first, but believe me, no one cares if you feel goofy.)
Two: After sharing your thoughts, always, ALWAYS follow up with: “so what do YOU think about this?”
If the other person is open to advice, this will be obvious: “huh, I never thought of that, thanks!”
They may get defensive and say “yeah, but…” and explain away again why they are doing what they are doing (or not doing). They are not ready.
They may repeat “I don’t know” Which means they are not ready to take in any advice. Their minds are not open to new information right now. Which is ok!
Take comfort in the fact that you offered something, and it was heard. And, who knows, perhaps you planted a seed that will some day take root on its own – when that person is ready for a new idea to be implemented.
I see a lot of stressed-out, sick people in my coaching practice. They are already dealing with so much. To throw even more information at them and expect them to follow advice? System overload.
What to do then?
One word: Just listen.
(Ok that was two words.) 🙂
For more on the fine art of listening and having a conversation, check out this video.
How’s that working out for you – really? What do you notice in your body when you give advice – and what do you notice in the other person’s energy when they hear your advice? Take note of how they shift in their seat, where their eyes go, if they stiffen up, if they look distant. What is this body language saying to you?
Becoming an observer instead of an “advice monster” is a super-ninja-power that everyone has. It’s not some talent reserved for the few. We all have this.
We just have to learn when and how to shut up to be able to tap into that superpower.
To all of my family and friends that I threw advice at, my sincere apologies.
And: If you ever need someone to just listen, let me know – I’ve learned how to do that (and quite well), and I promise I will never, ever tell you what to do.
Unless, of course, you are ready to hear my thoughts. Which will never, ever be more powerful or true than your own thoughts.
What do YOU think?
I would love to be a support (and offer my ears to listen) to you if you are looking to make either big or little shifts in your life. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:
To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach (A-CFHC) and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
This post may contain affiliate links, which means I get a wee bit of money if you purchase an item through that link (at no extra cost to you). As always, I appreciate your support.
“Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn’t one today.” — Phil Connors, Groundhog Day I’m writing this on February 2nd (aka Groundhog Day here in the states). I’m also watching the movie “Groundhog Day” starring Bill Murray. For those poor unfortunate souls who have not seen…
Stories. We all tell ourselves stories. And all of these stories are shaped by our internal voices, our families, past trauma, parental voices, the culture in which we grew up or are currently living in. Every person will tell a very different story depending on…
When it comes to physical healing from autoimmune disease and chronic illness, how much do mental and emotional issues come in to play?
How many of us ignore or gloss over the small things and seemingly harmless conversations, packing down our hurt and anger until we believe them to be true – or believe they don’t exist…? Saying “oh it’s no big deal” or “Nah, that didn’t hurt me”?
Many cultures do not grant emotional stuff any favors, as it is not viewed as a positive thing to address one’s emotions. Most prefer to look “strong” or “brave”, and in the process, we hurt ourselves. Our physical health can suffer.
Positive psychology is a thing, a technique used by many psychologists, therapists, and coaches. It can be a very good (one might say positive!) thing.
That said, when not practiced well it can cause people to ignore feelings of grief, sadness, loss, frustration, anger, anxiety… These emotions must absolutely be addressed before moving forward with better, happier, more positive thoughts.
Sidebar: Something that has become a pet peeve of mine when reviewing student’s coaching sessions is when the conversation starts off with: “So tell me, what went well for you this past week?”
What if nothing went well? What if someone close to them died? What if they received a diagnosis of terminal illness?
To ask this question usually causes the client to suddenly shift their thinking and ignore what is really going on for them. As a coach, I do not ever want to be responsible for aiding someone in packing down what is considered “negative” or “bad” in their lives.
*stepping off soapbox*
If we have unresolved anger or grief about a situation this may stall our healing. It can clog up our thinking the way a big wad of paper towels can clog up a toilet at a gas station (who does that?!). Things don’t flow. We get stuck.
How many times do you replay that conversation (the argument with your partner, that exchange between you and that customer service rep) over and over in your head?
How often do you grieve the fact that you lied to someone once? or maybe many times? or maybe that they lied to you?
How much time have you spent agonizing over the details, only to tell yourself over and over again “meh, it’s no big deal, I just need to forget it and move on with my life”?
How many times have you relayed this conversation to family and friends, perhaps hoping it will miraculously resolve itself?
Have you been so angry that you have decided to cut a person out of your life (as someone apparently did to their dad in the photo above)?
How much sleep have you lost over it? How is this affecting your breathing, your stress levels, and your cortisol and other hormone levels or your blood pressure?
Keeping this stuff in, ignoring it, or rehashing it over and over again not only causes emotional clogs in your thought patterns, it does not do your physical body any good.
No wonder we are all so very sick.
The first step to addressing anything is to find the right words to express oneself. Karla McLaren (whose work I’ve mentioned before) has a great Emotional Vocabulary List which has been a great aid for me personally as well as my clients.
If you can name it, you are better equipped to understand it, see what it has to offer, and from there you can figure out what you need to do. You will be better able to talk about emotions because you have the words for what you are going through – and other people understand words (communication is neat that way!).
For some, words still don’t come easy and prefer to communicate via other means. More on this below.
Having an honest conversation about things with the “perpetrator” may be needed when emotional clogs are looming. This can be awkward and feel embarrassing, but: others are more compassionate than you think. And if the other sees your compassion, there’s a chance for them to be honest and compassionate as well in return.
I recently became aware that someone in my immediate family has been lying to the rest of us for more than 30 years about some pretty serious stuff.
I wonder: What are this person’s emotional clogs like? How have these lies, so carefully crafted and hidden away for 30+ years, affected their health (which is not so great)?
And if I choose to push that person away forever, would my health end up suffering the same fate…?
Finding compassion for this person has been hard for me. Finding the language for an open discussion about this has been hard for me. But thinking about the other’s point of view has allowed me some space to let compassion creep in. Not only for this family member but for myself.
Finding compassion for oneself during an emotional process is the first step towards finding compassion for others.
While this is at times frustrating because sometimes we just “want things to go away and be fine”, allowing space for reflection (and therefore, healing) is better than adding it to the “clog”.
When it comes to your own stories, how much compassion do you have for the other characters in your story? What do you suppose they are experiencing on their end?
When I say “choosing to let go”, please understand that I’m not suggesting to ignore anything, to simply “get over it”, quite the contrary: Acknowledge it first, accept what is, and choose what you want to do.
A couple of examples of what I mean:
I remember an ex telling me that it was “time to move on” even though I had not processed my grief over the events of 9/11 (I was living in Manhattan at the time). Boy was I pissed! How dare he tell me how to process events in my life! It was extremely judgemental of him and I was judging him as a result as well – I even started questioning and judging myself!
I had the intuition that it was not yet time, and trusted my gut. I needed to do a lot more writing and talking about these emotional events before letting go. I acknowledged that I needed more time to process and accepted this fact. I then chose to continue working through my grief with those who would listen and not judge me.
Another example:
A dear friend from college chose to unfriend me in every sense of the word. Facebook and real life. This hurt me deeply and I struggled with these feelings for over a year – after several attempts to reach out and discuss and reconcile our differences with no answer from this friend, I acknowledged that this was how things are now. Accepting this was hard, but eventually, I did, and I chose to let this friend go and move forward with my life.
What signs are you sensing that you truly ready – or not – to move on from whatever is causing the emotional clog in your system? What is your head, your heart, your gut telling you is right?
What does staying right where you are do for your health?
What does moving forward do?
If you find you are not ready to move forward (trust your gut), find your language and talk or write it out. Some prefer to process through art or other creative means. Find your language, and let it out. Find professional help with a therapist, counselor, or coach if you are able to.
What are you choosing to do, right here, right now…?
Whatever it is, I hope you are choosing with compassion – for others, and for yourself.
Be well, everyone.
In light of all that’s been going on in this world, I would like to offer you, dear reader, some coaching.
I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now. It does not have to be about nutrition or autoimmune issues. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind.
We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:
To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.
Be well, everyone, and I look forward to meeting you.
Sandy
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
I was working with a client last week who wasn’t sure what she wanted to work on in her session. After a couple of ideas were tossed around, she said “I guess I just need some perspective.” What does perspective mean? Perspective in coaching means…
