“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers
Let’s talk advice.
At what times do you find yourself giving advice?
Are you truly serving the other person when doing so?
I’m not talking about if you are in a teacher or mentor role here. In those situations, one would assume there would be a lot of advice-giving.
I’m not talking about fixing tangible problems. If Prowler needs a jump, then Prowler needs a jump (sorry, couldn’t find the vid to match that one!).
I’m also not talking about telling someone to “stay away from the edge of the cliff and stop playing games”, either. That’s showing concern for someone’s common sense and basic safety (both of which may or may not have been lacking in the photo above… but I digress).
I’m talking about issues of the heart, mind, and soul.
And believe you me, autoimmune issues are definitely of the heart, mind, and soul
Are you an “advice monster”?
Among family and friends, how often do you speak up to solve their problems? What is telling you the difference between the other person truly wanting help – or just wanting a pair of ears to listen?
What is telling you that their hearts and minds are ready, willing, and open to receive your advice?
Hint: When someone complains or says “I just don’t know”, this does NOT give you the green light to spew forth “helpful” information.
I went through a huge phase of telling people what to do when it came to diet, exercise, sleep, what have you. I thought I had all the answers and knew what to do.
Which is preposterous, as no one ever knows exactly what to do for another. No one ever knows exactly what another person really needs or wants.
Telling someone what to do can be the worst thing you can do.
It can be frustrating or downright painful when we think something will help another person. And yet: telling them might be the worst thing we can do for them. Why is this?
Because it takes away their power. Their autonomy. Their ability to figure things out for themselves.
We are saying “we know way better than you, so listen to me! doesn’t matter what you think. Here, let me tell you what to do.” Yikes!
When was the last time someone gave you unsolicited advice? What happened in your body?
I bet a part of you tensed up. Closed down. Got hot and fidgety. You got the shifty eyes. You started thinking of responses and retorts before the other person finished speaking.
Invisible Acts of Power
The below thoughts are paraphrased from Carline Myss’ book “Invisible Acts of Power” (highly recommend the audio version if you can handle her voice, bless her wonderful Chicago accent!):
“Giving advice is easy because you don’t have to live w/ the consequences. Someone else does.
But what about “giving” silence?
To choose to say nothing… is one of the finest, most elegant acts of generosity in the world. To choose to withhold a perception that will not serve a situation is a profound act of generosity and service.
I invite you to ask yourself: What and who will be served by your opinion? Would you actually do those things yourself if you were in that *exact* situation (and, how can you be 100% sure of the other person’s *exact* situation)?
If you put forward an opinion, will the person you are advising be empowered… or disempowered?
When you shoot off your opinions to people when they are most vulnerable, you take the strength of your opinion (be it “right” or “wrong”) and ram it right through them – when they are already shattered.
And in a moment of trying to figure out what to do, they may listen to you. Does their listening mean sharing your opinion is the “correct” thing to do?
It is difficult at times to maintain silence. But: It is an act of service.
One of the most precious gifts you can give another human being is to listen to them when they need to talk.
No one ever says they were grateful for people to solve their problems, for someone to say “I’ll make your life decisions for you”.
They are, however, grateful when someone listens with a presence of objectivity and nonjudgment.”
Offering advice: How to do it.
Now, there is a way to offer advice. Keyword here being OFFER.
It’s a two-step process:
One: simply ask.
To say, “Hey, may I offer something here?” allows the person the option to say “nope I’m good” (although I have yet to hear someone say this in response to an offer). Asking first lets the person you are talking to keep their power in tact.
(and yeah, this feels goofy at first, but believe me, no one cares if you feel goofy.)
Two: After sharing your thoughts, always, ALWAYS follow up with: “so what do YOU think about this?”
If the other person is open to advice, this will be obvious: “huh, I never thought of that, thanks!”
If they are not open at this time, this is your signal to shut the f*** up.
They may get defensive and say “yeah, but…” and explain away again why they are doing what they are doing (or not doing). They are not ready.
They may repeat “I don’t know” Which means they are not ready to take in any advice. Their minds are not open to new information right now. Which is ok!
Take comfort in the fact that you offered something, and it was heard. And, who knows, perhaps you planted a seed that will some day take root on its own – when that person is ready for a new idea to be implemented.
I see a lot of stressed-out, sick people in my coaching practice. They are already dealing with so much. To throw even more information at them and expect them to follow advice? System overload.
What to do then?
One word: Just listen.
(Ok that was two words.) 🙂
For more on the fine art of listening and having a conversation, check out this video.
Are you a giver of unsolicited advice?
How’s that working out for you – really? What do you notice in your body when you give advice – and what do you notice in the other person’s energy when they hear your advice? Take note of how they shift in their seat, where their eyes go, if they stiffen up, if they look distant. What is this body language saying to you?
Becoming an observer instead of an “advice monster” is a super-ninja-power that everyone has. It’s not some talent reserved for the few. We all have this.
We just have to learn when and how to shut up to be able to tap into that superpower.
To all of my family and friends that I threw advice at, my sincere apologies.
And: If you ever need someone to just listen, let me know – I’ve learned how to do that (and quite well), and I promise I will never, ever tell you what to do.
Unless, of course, you are ready to hear my thoughts. Which will never, ever be more powerful or true than your own thoughts.
What do YOU think?
I would love to be a support (and offer my ears to listen) to you if you are looking to make either big or little shifts in your life. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:
- accepting what is
- creating balance in your life
- working through emotions of grief, sadness, or loss
- helping you create new habits or structure in your life
- help you regain control if you are feeling out of control
- letting go of perfectionism when it comes to your health
- how best to manage stress and anxiety
- creating boundaries with family, friends, and co-workers
- giving yourself permission to just be – no matter where you are in your life.
To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach (A-CFHC) and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
This post may contain affiliate links, which means I get a wee bit of money if you purchase an item through that link (at no extra cost to you). As always, I appreciate your support.
