Goodbye, 2020!  Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord… you know.

Despite this year being a challenging one in many ways, I have so much to be thankful for as 2020 winds down.

I took some time to reflect and journal what I’ve learned this year, what I want/need closure with, and what to do with these learnings and awareness moving forward into the new year.

When I close out a coaching relationship, my client and I will do a similar reflective exercise to take a look back at what was accomplished (or not) and consider how any new learnings or awareness can be used moving forward.  It can put a nice tidy end to the current chapter… or, it can leave a lot of room for sequels, which is usually the case (exciting!).  Life is never as neat and tidy as we desire it to be sometimes…

I invite you to do the same; some journal prompts are below to help whet your writing whistle. Feel free to write out your answers, see where your thoughts take you, and simply be curious along the way.

There’s no correct way to write or journal, and I often find that I end up a long way from where I started. This is ok! The point of this type of writing is to explore your thoughts, not to write the perfect essay.

Enjoy the process and just notice what comes up for you along the way.

Journal Prompts for End-Of-Year Reflections

How are you different from where you were a year ago? What new beliefs (if any) do you have about yourself? The world around you?

What are you most proud of right now?

What big changes have occurred for you personally this year?  What feelings or emotions come up for you around these changes? Take your time with this one.

What would you like to say to those emotions, if anything?  Are they ok to remain with you for a while, or would you like to say goodbye to them? What does this look like?  What benefits are there to keeping these emotions or letting them go?

Think of a time you failed at something this year, it can be something small or a failure of super-maxi-astronomical proportions. What did you learn?

What else did you learn?

Think of another time you have failed at something this year.  What did you learn in this instance?

Think of three more times where you failed at something and write down what you have learned, down to the smallest detail.

When you think about all that you learned this year, how will this affect how you move into the new year? What could be different?  What will be the same?

When you think of how you want to BE (not what you want to DO) in the new year, what comes up for you? What does it look like to bring this part of you forward?

What one piece of advice would you give yourself to take into the new year? When you think about this advice, what will support you the most in the new year to help you follow that advice?  (Support can be anything that will help support, excite, and inspire you to be your true authentic self.  Think of people, places/your surroundings and environment, daily routines/practices, etc.)

What could get in your way of following that advice?  What will you do when that challenge arises?

What else do you want for yourself in the new year?  Think physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally… whatever comes up.

What other inquiries of yourself would you like to take with you into the new year?  What would you like to leave behind?

What three words do you want to take with you into the new year?  Think of three that will excite and inspire you!

That’s it for now. Email me if you have any questions or would like to share, I always like hearing from my readers.

I wish each and every one of you a healthy and prosperous 2021. See you in the new year!

Sandy

“In the journal, I do not just express myself more openly than I could to any person; I create myself.”

– Susan Sontag

“My journal is the most important book I will ever write, and one of the most important I will ever read.”

– Robert Moss

– Flannery O’Connor

I would love to be a support to you in the new year. As your coach, I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in your world right now.  We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:

• creating new habits – or maintaining current habits
• helping you create structure in your life and a plan moving forward – whatever that may mean to you
• help you regain control if you are feeling out of control
• letting go of perfectionism when it comes to your health
• working through emotions of grief, sadness, or loss
• how best to manage stress and anxiety
• creating boundaries with family, friends, and co-workers
• giving yourself permission to just be – no matter where you are in your life.

To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.

Overcoming fear. This is a common topic in my coaching sessions, which usually elicits this question from me:  What are you afraid of?  or, after some waffling from clients on that question, What are you *really* afraid of?

Sometimes the answer is clear:  Death, dying.  If one jumps out of a plane (as I did a few years ago) one could potentially die. However:

One could also potentially die in an automobile accident – and there is a greater chance of dying that way than from a skydiving accident (1 in 6,000 chance vs. 1 in 100,000 chances for skydiving).  Yet few of us are fearful of getting in a car, something we do every day, sometimes multiple times a day. What’s up with that?

I also ride motorcycles.  This can also be seen as a very dangerous activity, but, for me, that perspective doesn’t really cross my mind when I go out for a ride.

Something doesn’t quite add up here. I do love pointing out “faulty thinking” in my clients… and love it when others point out my faulty thinking.  They gently chisel a crack into my old beliefs.

When that crack appears in my thinking, it’s then up to me to keep picking away at and unearthing what’s underneath.

This can be scary, hard work.

Overcoming Fear: the “hero’s journey”

Joseph Campbell suggests that we all need to embark on a “Hero’s Journey” to find our true path in life.

Most of us will have our own Hero’s Journeys, several times over, in our lifetimes.  This is shown in the choices we make:  where we go to college (a place no one in our family would go), choosing to not go to college (ruining the family line of proud college grads), if we leave home, when we travel abroad, choices in our health and lifestyle, our careers and our friends.

Those we leave behind sometimes do not understand our choices, but we move forward anyway. There are trials and tribulations, scary places that no one has been before, but we face them and continue the journey. These scary places are magical worlds where change takes place. We return home with more insight into who we are, empowered to share our stories and newfound wisdom with others.

However:  Many of us never embark on our own Hero’s Journey. We stay still, comfortable, and rooted in safety.  We listen to others who have the same ideas and biases which confirm that the crack in our beliefs is something to be re-plastered over and forgotten about.  We never find that “other world” – we never find the magic which will support our journey and our growth.

In other words, we never reach that point of overcoming fear.

Jumping Out of  Perfectly Good Plane

The year I jumped out of a perfectly good plane was 2011.  This was a year of extreme uncertainty and fear for me:  I was not yet diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, I was suffering from fatigue, depression, infertility.  I was contemplating divorce.  I was on the precipice of huge change in every direction – and was terrified at the prospect of moving forward on ANY of these things.

I just watched the video from that skydive (scroll down for the link if you have five minutes to spare and want to see it yourself) and was terrified all over again.  Don’t be fooled by my mugging for the camera and seeming to be cool about the whole thing;  my heart was beating out of my chest.

Sometimes it takes something as obvious as jumping out of a plane for one to realize that they are capable of so much more than what they originally thought.  For me, it also put so much in perspective:  Finding a new doctor?  Easy after this skydive. Talking to my husband about couples therapy?  Done.

Granted, I had a lot of help leaving that plane since I was tethered to the instructor. I still made the choice to jump, but, support is huge when stepping into your fears.  More on that below.

Overcoming Fear: Autoimmune Disease

Many of my clients harbor much fear:  Fear of losing their current lifestyles.  Fear of losing friends, fear of not getting support from them.  Fear of changing their diet, because no one else had ever done something “so crazy” as to give up gluten.

Fear of never feeling good again, ever.  Or fear of feeling good again – then what? After years lost to disease and illness, what then?  Wouldn’t it be easier to stay sick, to stay comfortable and safe in what we know?

It can be paralyzing.

How does one start this journey, creating a new path out of nothing? How to fly when you’re stuck to the floor of the plane and don’t have an instructor to help you take that first step?

Some thoughts on this here:

Five Things To Consider When Overcoming Fear:

1. Awareness.  Just being aware that there is fear present is a pretty big step up from denial that anything is amiss!  Do not underestimate the power of accepting where you are and that you are indeed afraid of whatever changes you want to make. What does that fear look like? Does it have a shape, a color, a name? What would you say to it if you could have a conversation with it?
2. Grief.  Saying goodbye to old habits is hard. Saying goodbye to an old lifestyle is harder. Saying goodbye to unsupportive friends and family… well that sometimes plain old sucks.  But acknowledging the fact that you can’t take everything with you on your journey is so very important. Experiencing any loss and grief that comes up in whatever capacity possible will allow space for change to blossom.
3. Support.  If your current circle of friends will not support you, find people who will. Find people who have been where you are and are now where you want to be.  Fill your life with these people!  Having like-minded people in your new inner circle is important on your journey.  Keep in mind, some may not be the best “assistants” for your next journey – which is perfectly natural. People come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime, as the old saying goes. What does it look like to honor this?
4. Understanding.  Look at those who have gone before you. They most likely have been where you are now.  Take comfort – and inspiration – from them that moving forward through fear is possible.  What can you learn from them?
5. Action.  So many people rush to action without first acknowledging grief and without proper support.  These two things can keep one paralyzed.  If you consistently create a small step to take and then do not take it, or backslide, ask yourself: what do I first need to acknowledge and say goodbye to? What does that look like?  Or:  What else will support me as I take that scary first step?  Would asking for support be considered a first step for me?

One last thing:

Fear is usually a very GOOD thing.  While primal fear tells us to run, and run fast from potential danger, fear of a non-threat (thoughts, beliefs, etc) usually is an indicator to go towards whatever it is we fear.

Fear appears when your potential to fly is at its peak.  It is here to tell you: Now is the call to action to begin YOUR journey, to take that first step, whatever that step may be.  For me, it was stepping off of the plane into thin air. This one step was the difference between paralyzing fear – and flying.

Overcoming this one tangible fear was a catalyst that empowered me to overcome fears in my life that maybe weren’t so easily overcome.

This is not to say you have to go jump out of a plane, of course. But sometimes choosing to face something that is scary can help us choose to face fears in other parts of our lives as well.

What’s one small step you can take (keeping in mind that that step does NOT have to be a tangible action, see above regarding awareness, grief, and support), right now, to overcome your fear?

One final question:

What is the cost of not taking that first step…?

Until next time,

Sandy

PS: If you would like to watch my skydive from 2011, you may do so here.

“So, what does it take to get to Zürich? As I pondered this conundrum one late hour, the answer came back to me as a clear voice: “You get on an airplane!” Well, even I knew the difference between the visit of a casual tourist and the risk of quite another kind of journey, but I also know the truth of that compelling statement… Intuitively, I knew, as we all do at some level, what I had to do. Going was dying, and staying was dying. When we get to junctures like that, we had better choose the dying that enlarges rather than the one that keeps us stuck.” – James Hollis from “What Matters Most”.

MY OFFER TO YOU.

I would love to be a support to you, no matter what fears you are facing at this time.

As your coach, I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now.  We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:

• creating new habits – or maintaining current habits
• work challenges – either working from home or being out of work
• figuring out how to best spend your time with your now at-home children (and still retain your sanity)
• fears of starting a new career
• how best to manage stress
• guilty feelings about cheating on your diet
• fear around changing your diet
• feeling ok doing absolutely nothing for a while
• creating boundaries with family, friends, and co-workers
• helping you create structure in your life and a plan moving forward – whatever that may mean to you
• help you regain control if you are feeling out of control
• giving yourself permission to just be – no matter where you are in your life.

To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.

All lives matter. What comes up for you when you read that?

Another question:  How do our actions in this country support the sentiment “All Lives Matter”…?

Suffice it to say: They don’t.  They don’t support this notion that “all lives matter” one bit.

Until black lives matter, truly matter, in this country and elsewhere around the world, just stop it with this mantra.

So, I’ve struggled with writing about this.  Every blogger and every email that lands in my inbox are all stating the same. “We stand in solidarity” and “we oppose these killings”.  Well, duh. Who wouldn’t?

That there are those who don’t oppose these killings is what blows my mind.  Seeing images of the “George Flloyd Challenge” is what really got to me.  What the actual f***?!

No, I’m not that naive. But part of me was hoping that somehow this time would be… different.  And it is different.

Just not in a way I expected.

All Lives Matter, Diversity and Belonging

Another question for you, taken from an interview with Resmaa Menakem (therapist, coach, and trauma specialist) for On Being:

“Diversity, equity, inclusion; and even when you say it, everybody, their eyes get dreamy… But if you don’t define what that means, it can mean “Taco Tuesday.” It can mean “Collard Green Wednesday.” It can be anything that’s cursory. So one of the questions that I asked was:  How many people in here believe in diversity?” Everybody shot their hands up. Boom. Everybody. I said, “Answer this one next question.” And I said, “Don’t bring your hands down; answer this question. Diverse from what?”

“Because when you say “diversity,” that means you start someplace first, and then you diversify from it.”

Diverse from what?

When you put it that way… yikes.

More from Resmaa Menakem in a moment.

Montrece McNeill Ransom had this to say about diversity: “The concept of belongingness goes beyond diversity and inclusion. Diversity is being invited to the party; inclusion is being asked to dance, and belongingness is being able to dance like no one is watching. Belongingness is an innate sense of psychological and emotional security that allows people to be their authentic selves and contribute in their own, unique way.”

How to move past this need for “diversity” and instead cultivate this sense of belonging – for everyone?

Good question.

White Trauma

I’m not well-read enough to dive into systemic racism and red-lining here, nor do I want to here. I encourage you to read up on this if you are not clear on the concept, it will help explain a lot of what goes on in this country.

So instead, I am focussing on what I can do as a white person. I have decided to learn.  Learn all that I can about the experience of black people.  To be curious and non-judgmental, as I am in every one of my coaching sessions.  I’m ready to see what comes up for me, and gently question it. To lean into that discomfort, as I encourage my clients to do.

This is how this time is different for me. I’m not checking my discomfort at the door, I’m making an effort to carry it around to see what happens, to see what comes up.

One thing that I’ve learned is the fact that traumas are learned and inherited. Not only for black people but for white people too.

White people are afraid. And instead of confronting that fear, they pass down this fear and trauma every day in their actions – or lack thereof.

I remember my dad making a point of locking the car doors as if on cue when we entered and drove through a certain neighborhood outside of the city of Milwaukee.  As a young white girl of 6 or 7, I looked out the window and saw black people walking on the sidewalks, doing their grocery shopping, gassing up their cars, talking, laughing, listening to music. Despite these images of normal people doing normal everyday things, black people are scary was the message I got. My dad was afraid, and I too should be afraid. Duly noted. Thanks, dad.

[Sidebar: my Grandpa, my dad’s father was “quietly racist” as well, or maybe not so quiet. I remember him making derogatory comments about the man my sister dated in college who happened to be from Singapore;  he also took it upon himself to write long letters to me – this was way before email was a thing – about the Indian man I was dating at the conservatory; Grandpa was concerned for my well-being. He was afraid.

In one of those letters, my Grandpa sent along an article from the newspaper that described how dirty the Ganges River was, and how all Indians bathe in this river, so my boyfriend must be dirty.  I was furious at the time but didn’t know what to do except to push my Grandpa out of my life for a while. I didn’t have the words or wherewithal to speak about any of this. I get that this is where my dad learned how to act. And how I learned to act. Or not act.]

Reflecting on my adult life, I knew my body tensed up when I saw a black person on the other side of the street.  Going to college with black people (in a big city with even more black people) helped change that, and as I became more aware of my thoughts, I ignored them. I hid them safely away. This is not me anymore, I thought. But, the original messages were still there, lurking. The trauma remained.

A friend confided in me that she grew up in a very open and inclusive environment, where “color didn’t matter”.  This is what she learned, and yet she told me she felt the same thing when seeing a black man on the sidewalk coming towards her. Where did this come from, this feeling of unease in her?

What have we learned, either directly or indirectly? How to undo this?

It’s time to confront that fear and figure this shit out.

Other traumas are not as obvious.  They can go back generations.

Most of us are not even aware of the trauma we carry, which can be passed down from our great-grandparents and beyond. Children of holocaust survivors carry this trauma.  Pregnant women who dealt with the stress of living through 9/11 have passed along their PTSD to their children.

Resmaa Menakem goes on to say:  “If my mom is born, as a black woman, into a society that predicates her body as deviant, the amount of cortisol that is in her nervous system when I’m being born is teaching my nervous system something.”

When you think of black people and how they came to this country and how they were enslaved, beaten, killed, what trauma and stress do you think is passed along to their children? Their grandchildren?

And when you think of the continued stress placed on these people generation after generation due to how our country is run and also due to the thoughts and actions that people not unlike my dad and grandpa had – and passive thoughts that people like myself have – what comes up for you?

I cannot even imagine the amount of trauma that has been passed down to people of color.

All lives matter, indeed.

All lives haven’t mattered for centuries in this country.

I am not an “active” racist, but I am an incredibly, woefully ignorant one.  Passively I am letting things continue on the way things are.

All Lives Matter – What To Do To Make This A Reality?

It is overwhelming to me, but I feel a crack in my knowledge, my understanding.  It is hugely uncomfortable.  But I am ready to lean into that feeling of unease and let it blossom and grow (into what, I don’t yet know) instead of ignoring it and spackling over the crack with a pint of vanilla chocolate-chip Häagen-Dazs (what could be whiter?). Or doing yoga for an hour or writing a blog post and thinking “ah now I feel better!” as so many white people I know tend to do.

Black people can’t just do yoga and “feel better”.  They can’t wish any of this away.

I know that as a woman I will experience some sexism here and there, but it will never, ever compare to what people of color have gone through.  I cannot ever fully understand the trauma they have experienced, and what they continue to experience.

But, I can support and accompany them on their journey.

Leaning In.

Leaning into this unease feels weird. It is strange. What to do with it? How to make true the sentiment that All Lives Matter?

I am starting by listening to podcasts on the topic of racism. I won’t ever understand what it means to be black, but I can sure as hell figure out what it means to be white.

I am checking out my black friend’s walls and pages on Facebook and checking out posts of black people on social media. I am reading their words, trying to educate myself.

On my walk this morning I passed the sign in the photo above and it inspired me to do some research on what is available to us here in our town. Starting close to home feels right.  What can I do, right here right now, with the resources available to me, to begin to help?

If you are white and reading this and ready to lean into that uncomfortable feeling, what can you do to learn about black people and racism?  Are you a book reader? A get-out-there activist type? Write-a-letter-to-your-local-government person? Is sitting down with your parents, grandparents or children and having a candid, open discussion doable? What organizations in your city or town can you research and join to help black voices be heard?

How can you, starting here and now, begin to let that uncomfortable feeling blossom?

What can you do to support black people on their journey?

As far as the phrase “All Lives Matter”, well, duh.

Prove it. Until you can, please stop saying that they do.

Some resources I found helpful:

On Being Podcast with Resmaa Menakem. “Resmaa Menakem is a therapist and trauma specialist who activates the wisdom of elders and a very new science, about how all of us carry the history and traumas behind everything we collapse into the word “race” in our bodies. He helps explain why vulnerabilities and inequities laid bare by the pandemic have fallen hardest on Black bodies. He illuminates why all of the best laws and diversity training have not gotten us anywhere near healing.”

Ten Percent Happier Podcast and YouTube Channel. The podcast episode with Sebene Selassie is a great place to start: “There is fury in America’s streets — and we, as meditators, have the opportunity to use our practice to do the hard work of seeing things clearly (including the ugliness in our own minds), and responding wisely. This episode is in response to the protests that have broken out nationwide… our conversation is personal and raw. Most of all, we hope it is useful.”

Seeing White is a series I’m just getting into by Scene On Radio: “Where did the notion of “whiteness” come from? What does it mean? What is whiteness for? Scene on Radio host and producer John Biewen took a deep dive into these questions, along with an array of leading scholars and regular guest Dr. Chenjerai Kumanyika, in this fourteen-part documentary series, released between February and August 2017. ”

If you’re looking for something to do to help, 75 Things White People Can Do For Racial Justice is a great list to peruse; within that list also gives an excellent overview of what’s wrong with the prison/education systems in our country. This list also has many books written by black authors to check out if you are a reader.

Tara Brach has a beautiful talk on recent events. “Anti-Black racism is the core wound of American culture, and we each have a role to play in fighting racism, a medicine to bring to these times. This talk explores how we can offer an honest and courageous presence to key domains of this suffering. We then look at affirming that Black lives truly matter with our dedicated and wise action.”

Reflections From A Token Black Friend is an excellent read about growing up black and living in a white world: “Many of the white people I know have no concept of the role they have, passively or actively, played in perpetuating these conditions. They have no idea how much we long to hear them speak up for us, and to embrace some of the discomfort around these issues with us… I have spent so much time in the white community, and enjoyed the privileges that come with that, yet still I am affected by all these issues. Despite the obvious differences in my story to that of the average young black man, I believe my story can still speak to the immediacy of the need for change. Additionally, it can serve as an example of a genuinely meaningful relationship between a black person and white people, emphasizing the ability of white people to be either allies or enemies.”

And, regarding “All Lives Matter”, here’s a good post about why you need to stop saying it: “But let’s get back to the issue of countering Black Lives Matter with the phrase “All Lives Matter.” I’ve come to describe this as a collective gaslighting from the white community. Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power (or in this case, keep their own peace), makes a victim question their reality. Why do those who counter black lives matter act as though black people aren’t aware of the glaring disproportionate statistics of police brutality, of health care racism, and of mass incarceration? This is our reality. You deciding to ignore it for your own comfort doesn’t make it any less true.”

My offer to you.

In light of all that’s been going on in this world, I would like to offer you, dear reader, some coaching.

I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now. It does not have to be about nutrition or autoimmune issues. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind.

We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:

• creating new habits in this “new normal” – or maintaining current habits
• work challenges – either working from home or being out of work
• figuring out how to best spend your time with your now at-home children (and still retain your sanity)
• how to cope if you have too much free time, or if you are finding it hard to strike a work-time vs. free-time balance in light of recent changes
• how best to manage stress
• guilty feelings about not having to go work or the gym or maybe cheating on your diet
• feeling ok doing absolutely nothing for a while
• helping you create structure in your life and a plan moving forward – whatever that may mean to you
• help you regain control if you are feeling out of control
• if you are a health care worker, I can offer empathy and support for what you are facing right now.

To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.

Be well, everyone, and I look forward to meeting you.

Sandy

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.