ICF and National Board Certified Holistic Life & Wellness Coach
Overcoming fear. This is a common topic in my coaching sessions, which usually elicits this question from me: What are you afraid of? or, after some waffling from clients on that question, What are you *really* afraid of? Sometimes the answer is clear: Death, dying. …
Reintroductions on the AIP! They can strike terror into those of us who have found marked improvement of symptoms from autoimmune issues. We are afraid of going backward in our healing, but, the reintroduction process can also open up a world of foods for us…
Stories. We all tell ourselves stories. And all of these stories are shaped by our internal voices, our families, past trauma, parental voices, the culture in which we grew up or are currently living in. Every person will tell a very different story depending on their perspective. Some parts of a story may be true, some may be fabricated in our minds.
What is it about the way you are telling your stories that is serving you well? Or, maybe not so well? What is causing you to hold on to these stories?
I would like to share two stories from two people, who went to the same music school at around the same time and studied with the same music professor. Note how different their stories are:
This person had an incredibly stressful time at the conservatory. His professor verbally and emotionally abused him every week in their lessons. The school itself asked a lot of their students, which was also stressful; he felt they didn’t understand that what they were asking for was way too much. Now, 25 years later, he still has anger about his time at the conservatory. He was so angry that he gave up music completely for a time. While he now has a career in music, he continues to bitterly complain about his professor and blame him for his current health issues, which he says prevent him from leading the life he was meant to have lived.
This person also had a stressful time at the conservatory. She had the same professor as the person above and was subject to the same weekly abuse from them. She too took some time off from playing. When she returned to music, she thought about the lessons she had with this abusive professor. She realized he actually did have some great advice, but his means of delivering it was not the best. The school had really super high standards, and these standards made her a better person overall and taught her how to strive for being the best in whatever she does. She too has health issues 25+ years on; she considers that perhaps these issues started because of the stress she faced while at school. However she also knows that she would not be where she is today without going through all that she has, and for this she is grateful.
Yeah, that’s me in the second story.
I had a real asshole for a teacher. This conservatory was the most stressful place I had ever encountered. And I do believe that one of my root causes for my Hashimoto’s is the stress I endured while in school, but: what good would have come had I bathed myself in that negative space of blame and playing the victim?
Ok, confession time: That’s me in the first story too (no, I didn’t get a sex change, that was just to throw you off. was I successful? meh, doesn’t matter). I did harbor feelings of anger and experienced great anxiety about my music for some time. I was pretty bitter, too. Yikes.
It took some time for me to rewrite my story into the one in the second paragraph. I also had the help of a great therapist who worked with me doing EMDR therapy. EMDR goes into the “back door” of your brain to rewire your thought patterns, something that worked well for me when traditional talk therapy did very little. Highly recommend if talking and journaling in circles is not working for you.
What stories are you currently holding on to? About your autoimmune issues, your health, your life?
What are those stories currently telling you?
If you could listen to yourself tell this story, what are you hearing?
When it comes to your stories, some questions to ponder:
First of all, rewriting a story may take some time. This is not to be rushed. Just acknowledging that you have these stories is the first step. Instead of trying to rewrite everything in one day, honor your story and where it is coming from. Perhaps ask yourself:
To go a little deeper, ask yourself:
And:
If it doesn’t feel right to rewrite them yet, that’s ok. This takes time. Be kind, be gentle, go slow. Be curious and nonjudgmental with yourself.
And: seek help if you need it. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes is what we need to achieve this new perspective. I’m always here to offer support if needed; see below for more info.
Until next time,
Sandy
I would love to be a support to you, no matter what fears you are facing at this time.
As your coach, I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:
To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.
Be well, everyone, and I look forward to meeting you.
Sandy
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
This is part of my “one thing” series. Other posts in this series can be found here. If there’s one thing you should do during the pandemic, it’s to figure out your self-care routine. People are realizing the need for self-care during this uncertain time…
Who here is thinking of changing their diet or starting the AIP now, July 2020, in the midst of a pandemic? More and more clients are wanting to make some big changes NOW. As if the world wasn’t crazy enough! I try to not be…
When it comes to physical healing from autoimmune disease and chronic illness, how much do mental and emotional issues come in to play?
How many of us ignore or gloss over the small things and seemingly harmless conversations, packing down our hurt and anger until we believe them to be true – or believe they don’t exist…? Saying “oh it’s no big deal” or “Nah, that didn’t hurt me”?
Many cultures do not grant emotional stuff any favors, as it is not viewed as a positive thing to address one’s emotions. Most prefer to look “strong” or “brave”, and in the process, we hurt ourselves. Our physical health can suffer.
Positive psychology is a thing, a technique used by many psychologists, therapists, and coaches. It can be a very good (one might say positive!) thing.
That said, when not practiced well it can cause people to ignore feelings of grief, sadness, loss, frustration, anger, anxiety… These emotions must absolutely be addressed before moving forward with better, happier, more positive thoughts.
Sidebar: Something that has become a pet peeve of mine when reviewing student’s coaching sessions is when the conversation starts off with: “So tell me, what went well for you this past week?”
What if nothing went well? What if someone close to them died? What if they received a diagnosis of terminal illness?
To ask this question usually causes the client to suddenly shift their thinking and ignore what is really going on for them. As a coach, I do not ever want to be responsible for aiding someone in packing down what is considered “negative” or “bad” in their lives.
*stepping off soapbox*
If we have unresolved anger or grief about a situation this may stall our healing. It can clog up our thinking the way a big wad of paper towels can clog up a toilet at a gas station (who does that?!). Things don’t flow. We get stuck.
How many times do you replay that conversation (the argument with your partner, that exchange between you and that customer service rep) over and over in your head?
How often do you grieve the fact that you lied to someone once? or maybe many times? or maybe that they lied to you?
How much time have you spent agonizing over the details, only to tell yourself over and over again “meh, it’s no big deal, I just need to forget it and move on with my life”?
How many times have you relayed this conversation to family and friends, perhaps hoping it will miraculously resolve itself?
Have you been so angry that you have decided to cut a person out of your life (as someone apparently did to their dad in the photo above)?
How much sleep have you lost over it? How is this affecting your breathing, your stress levels, and your cortisol and other hormone levels or your blood pressure?
Keeping this stuff in, ignoring it, or rehashing it over and over again not only causes emotional clogs in your thought patterns, it does not do your physical body any good.
No wonder we are all so very sick.
The first step to addressing anything is to find the right words to express oneself. Karla McLaren (whose work I’ve mentioned before) has a great Emotional Vocabulary List which has been a great aid for me personally as well as my clients.
If you can name it, you are better equipped to understand it, see what it has to offer, and from there you can figure out what you need to do. You will be better able to talk about emotions because you have the words for what you are going through – and other people understand words (communication is neat that way!).
For some, words still don’t come easy and prefer to communicate via other means. More on this below.
Having an honest conversation about things with the “perpetrator” may be needed when emotional clogs are looming. This can be awkward and feel embarrassing, but: others are more compassionate than you think. And if the other sees your compassion, there’s a chance for them to be honest and compassionate as well in return.
I recently became aware that someone in my immediate family has been lying to the rest of us for more than 30 years about some pretty serious stuff.
I wonder: What are this person’s emotional clogs like? How have these lies, so carefully crafted and hidden away for 30+ years, affected their health (which is not so great)?
And if I choose to push that person away forever, would my health end up suffering the same fate…?
Finding compassion for this person has been hard for me. Finding the language for an open discussion about this has been hard for me. But thinking about the other’s point of view has allowed me some space to let compassion creep in. Not only for this family member but for myself.
Finding compassion for oneself during an emotional process is the first step towards finding compassion for others.
While this is at times frustrating because sometimes we just “want things to go away and be fine”, allowing space for reflection (and therefore, healing) is better than adding it to the “clog”.
When it comes to your own stories, how much compassion do you have for the other characters in your story? What do you suppose they are experiencing on their end?
When I say “choosing to let go”, please understand that I’m not suggesting to ignore anything, to simply “get over it”, quite the contrary: Acknowledge it first, accept what is, and choose what you want to do.
A couple of examples of what I mean:
I remember an ex telling me that it was “time to move on” even though I had not processed my grief over the events of 9/11 (I was living in Manhattan at the time). Boy was I pissed! How dare he tell me how to process events in my life! It was extremely judgemental of him and I was judging him as a result as well – I even started questioning and judging myself!
I had the intuition that it was not yet time, and trusted my gut. I needed to do a lot more writing and talking about these emotional events before letting go. I acknowledged that I needed more time to process and accepted this fact. I then chose to continue working through my grief with those who would listen and not judge me.
Another example:
A dear friend from college chose to unfriend me in every sense of the word. Facebook and real life. This hurt me deeply and I struggled with these feelings for over a year – after several attempts to reach out and discuss and reconcile our differences with no answer from this friend, I acknowledged that this was how things are now. Accepting this was hard, but eventually, I did, and I chose to let this friend go and move forward with my life.
What signs are you sensing that you truly ready – or not – to move on from whatever is causing the emotional clog in your system? What is your head, your heart, your gut telling you is right?
What does staying right where you are do for your health?
What does moving forward do?
If you find you are not ready to move forward (trust your gut), find your language and talk or write it out. Some prefer to process through art or other creative means. Find your language, and let it out. Find professional help with a therapist, counselor, or coach if you are able to.
What are you choosing to do, right here, right now…?
Whatever it is, I hope you are choosing with compassion – for others, and for yourself.
Be well, everyone.
In light of all that’s been going on in this world, I would like to offer you, dear reader, some coaching.
I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now. It does not have to be about nutrition or autoimmune issues. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind.
We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:
To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.
Be well, everyone, and I look forward to meeting you.
Sandy
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
All lives matter. What comes up for you when you read that? Another question: How do our actions in this country support the sentiment “All Lives Matter”…? Suffice it to say: They don’t. They don’t support this notion that “all lives matter” one bit. Until…
Listening to anxiety. What comes up for you when reading that? There’s so much anxiety and fear in the world these days. Today in particular as looting was the activity du jour in many cities across Amerca this past weekend. Also because so many of…
I was working with a client last week who wasn’t sure what she wanted to work on in her session. After a couple of ideas were tossed around, she said “I guess I just need some perspective.”
Perspective in coaching means to look at something from a different angle. If you had a Rubik’s Cube in your hand (yikes, dating myself here) you wouldn’t just look at one side. You would need to turn the puzzle over and over in your hands, turning this side and then that. Looking again. Turning a few more sides.
And then voila! Solved!
I used this analogy with my client and she laughed and said “yeah right, I couldn’t ever solve one of those things!” (also dating herself, but never mind. I’m just glad she knew what I was talking about)
I then asked her, “What other ways could you think of to get all the colors on the correct sides?” Her response was one I hear many times. After a long pause, she said “I don’t know”.
Which is bullshit. I would never, EVER say that to a client, of course, but I do find myself saying it to myself when I get stuck and think “I don’t know”.
We *always* have the answers within us. We just don’t realize it. Yet.
This client, like many of us, was so trapped in one way of thinking that she failed to see other options. She needed to first put the puzzle down on the table, first, to get an even clearer view. Or even step into another room – far enough away to gain even more perspective.
More on how I would go about solving a Rubik’s cube in a moment, but first:
Let’s say you want to change your diet, but are struggling to get started. Here are a few questions to help get you out of your head and get a different perspective on things instead of just going in circles:
It may be helpful to remember that these questions are not meant to solve your problem, they are simply ways to help uncover a little bit more information. Information that you already have within you (the client always knows!).
It is with this information you can hopefully move a little bit of the haze and fog away and get a clearer view of your situation.
As far as that Rubik’s Cube goes, my client did come up with one possible solution which we both had a good laugh about: peel off all the stickers and put them back in the “correct” places. A bit unorthodox, and it might be considered “cheating”. But, if getting all the same colors separated and on their own sides was the desired outcome, job done! I applauded my client for her creativity and thinking “outside the box”, as it were.
My possible solutions include not only putting the puzzle down and walking away from it for a while but perhaps also getting online to research a little bit. Maybe Googling “how to solve a Rubik’s Cube” or buying a book on the subject. Getting information to help better inform my choices instead of randomly turning one side of the puzzle after another, doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a good outcome.
This brings me to another point: never underestimate the value of asking for support from someone to help you gain perspective. Asking for help can be very empowering, especially when solving your own unique puzzles.
Speaking of unique puzzles, this landed in my in-box last week, and at the time of writing this I’ve watched it 3 (ok 4*) times. The best 24 minutes of your day, guaranteed! And a great lesson in looking at a puzzle from many (and then many more) different perspectives – and also realizing that you do have the answers within you.
You just gotta keep looking.
Until next time!
*maybe 5 tops. Definitely not 6…
In light of all that’s been going on in this world, I would like to offer you, dear reader, some coaching.
I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now. It does not have to be about nutrition or autoimmune issues. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind.
We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:
To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.
Be well, everyone, and I look forward to meeting you.
Sandy
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
Some funny things have been happening with my habits since this shelter-in-place started. Not necessarily funny “ha ha” but funny “yikes, what is going on here?” and also funny “huh! how interesting!” I’ve had many clients slip back into bad habits of eating poorly, staying…
