Shame and guilt. Have you met these evil twins? Yeah, they’re good friends of mine. Yours too? Huh, what are the chances!
A lot of shame comes up for me around the holidays. I become ashamed thinking: I’m not doing enough. Or I feel guilty for not giving enough. I feel that I’m not thankful enough.
Not a very pretty rabbit hole to be in.
Shame and Guilt: What is shame? What is guilt? Aren’t they sort of the same thing?
Well, not really. In a nutshell:
We feel guilt when we’ve done something wrong.
We feel shame when we think there is something wrong with us.
Quite often we’ll say “I feel so guilty” but what we really mean is “I feel so ashamed”.
What causes shame? Many things can bring on this sensation:
- Wanting to be perfect all the time
- Failure to reach goals (New Year’s Resolutions, anyone?)
- The pressure of thinking we HAVE to do it all
- Being excluded from a group you were once a part of
- Being excluded from a group you wish to be a part of
- Not being loved by someone you love
- Going against social norms (getting divorced, choosing to not have children, eating a special diet, living an LGBTQ lifestyle, voting for an unpopular candidate, dressing differently, etc)
- Not living up to the expectations of friends and family
- etc etc etc.
In other words, when we feel judged by others – or when we judge ourselves – we can feel shame.
Shame tells us: “You’re not good enough.”
Ouch.
My Great-Aunt Theodora, shown in the photo above, committed suicide when she was about 30 years old.
Her death was not talked about in the family. No one really knows if she was working as a nurse at the asylum or if she was a patient there when she hung herself.
This photograph eventually ended up in the haymow on the family farm in southwestern Wisconsin, where it gathered dust, paint splatters, and god knows what else.
The photograph – and Theodora herself – were forgotten because of shame.
I imagine that my ancestors were so ashamed of her actions. Maybe they didn’t know how to face the grief and the sadness that came with this great loss. Perhaps they were afraid of judgment from friends and neighbors regarding this tragedy. Maybe they thought something was “wrong” with them for having raised a child with health issues that resulted in her untimely death.
I wonder if they thought they weren’t “good enough” in some way shape or form.
I also wonder: how has our culture changed, if at all, when it comes to shame? Would my family have the vulnerability and courage now to openly discuss and welcome the grief and sadness – and shame – that comes with such a tragedy…?
Part of me hopes so.
But, back to the most wonderful time of the year.
How many of us feel the pressure to “do” this time of year?
To create, to travel, to buy the perfect gift, to find the perfect holiday outfit, to make the perfect cookie or meal?
If this resonates with you, a follow-up question: What happens when that perfection is not attained? Do you feel a sense of shame?
If not, what feelings do arise? I’m asking this because shame can sometimes “hitchhike” on other feelings like anger, fear, or grief (as with my ancestors).
Despite my therapist always telling me “You know what? You’re doing GREAT. Really.” – once in a while that shame still creeps up.
I feel ashamed that I’m not “doing more”. Ashamed that I’m not giving enough of myself to my clients, to my friends, to my family – especially this time of year when giving is expected by many.
Ah, the pressures we put on ourselves and our bodies – which may already be tired, fatigued, brain-fogged, and exhausted from whatever autoimmune issues we may be experiencing!
Some say the opposite of shame is curiosity.
I’m not a very black-and-white type of thinker, but I love the idea of getting curious when shame shows up at the door:
- What are the facts here, and what stories am I making up in my head?
- Are other emotions are present that maybe I’m choosing to ignore – like fear or anger… or grief and loss?
- What does it look like to be empathic and compassionate to me and listen to my body’s signals instead of sensing the need to be perfect, to control the situation, or to meet others’ expectations?
This curiosity and pause allow me to relax (and sometimes literally roll my eyes at that not-always-kind inner voice), breathe, and offer myself some compassion.
The photograph of my Great-aunt Theodora now hangs in my living room.
She watches over me as I sit here on my computer (perhaps some of you have seen her over Zoom if you are a client of mine!).
I like the idea of her not being forgotten anymore. That maybe I’m helping heal the shame our family once felt.
I imagine that she is in a joyous space right now, a place where there are no judgments. Where everyone is doing just great and that everyone is good enough just as they are.
I imagine she is watching me juggle these self-imposed pressures of the holiday bustle – and that she is saying to me:
“You know what? You’re doing GREAT.”
And so are you.
I would love to be a support for you this holiday season and into the New Year. To book your Complimentary Session and Assessment, click here.
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach (A-CFHC) and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
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