ICF and National Board Certified Holistic Life & Wellness Coach
Sleep. You elusive mistress. Why must you torture and tease us so? (this is just one thought that goes through my head when lying awake in bed trying to get to sleep…. be grateful I don’t share more) Seriously, though, sleep is one of those…
Anger!!! Who here is angry?! About anything. The election, the fact your spouse never takes out the trash when you ask them to, that those damn kids won’t get off your lawn…ARGH!!! Recently there was a flood of emails between myself and other family members…
When it comes to physical healing from autoimmune disease and chronic illness, how much do mental and emotional issues come in to play?
How many of us ignore or gloss over the small things and seemingly harmless conversations, packing down our hurt and anger until we believe them to be true – or believe they don’t exist…? Saying “oh it’s no big deal” or “Nah, that didn’t hurt me”?
Many cultures do not grant emotional stuff any favors, as it is not viewed as a positive thing to address one’s emotions. Most prefer to look “strong” or “brave”, and in the process, we hurt ourselves. Our physical health can suffer.
Positive psychology is a thing, a technique used by many psychologists, therapists, and coaches. It can be a very good (one might say positive!) thing.
That said, when not practiced well it can cause people to ignore feelings of grief, sadness, loss, frustration, anger, anxiety… These emotions must absolutely be addressed before moving forward with better, happier, more positive thoughts.
Sidebar: Something that has become a pet peeve of mine when reviewing student’s coaching sessions is when the conversation starts off with: “So tell me, what went well for you this past week?”
What if nothing went well? What if someone close to them died? What if they received a diagnosis of terminal illness?
To ask this question usually causes the client to suddenly shift their thinking and ignore what is really going on for them. As a coach, I do not ever want to be responsible for aiding someone in packing down what is considered “negative” or “bad” in their lives.
*stepping off soapbox*
If we have unresolved anger or grief about a situation this may stall our healing. It can clog up our thinking the way a big wad of paper towels can clog up a toilet at a gas station (who does that?!). Things don’t flow. We get stuck.
How many times do you replay that conversation (the argument with your partner, that exchange between you and that customer service rep) over and over in your head?
How often do you grieve the fact that you lied to someone once? or maybe many times? or maybe that they lied to you?
How much time have you spent agonizing over the details, only to tell yourself over and over again “meh, it’s no big deal, I just need to forget it and move on with my life”?
How many times have you relayed this conversation to family and friends, perhaps hoping it will miraculously resolve itself?
Have you been so angry that you have decided to cut a person out of your life (as someone apparently did to their dad in the photo above)?
How much sleep have you lost over it? How is this affecting your breathing, your stress levels, and your cortisol and other hormone levels or your blood pressure?
Keeping this stuff in, ignoring it, or rehashing it over and over again not only causes emotional clogs in your thought patterns, it does not do your physical body any good.
No wonder we are all so very sick.
The first step to addressing anything is to find the right words to express oneself. Karla McLaren (whose work I’ve mentioned before) has a great Emotional Vocabulary List which has been a great aid for me personally as well as my clients.
If you can name it, you are better equipped to understand it, see what it has to offer, and from there you can figure out what you need to do. You will be better able to talk about emotions because you have the words for what you are going through – and other people understand words (communication is neat that way!).
For some, words still don’t come easy and prefer to communicate via other means. More on this below.
Having an honest conversation about things with the “perpetrator” may be needed when emotional clogs are looming. This can be awkward and feel embarrassing, but: others are more compassionate than you think. And if the other sees your compassion, there’s a chance for them to be honest and compassionate as well in return.
I recently became aware that someone in my immediate family has been lying to the rest of us for more than 30 years about some pretty serious stuff.
I wonder: What are this person’s emotional clogs like? How have these lies, so carefully crafted and hidden away for 30+ years, affected their health (which is not so great)?
And if I choose to push that person away forever, would my health end up suffering the same fate…?
Finding compassion for this person has been hard for me. Finding the language for an open discussion about this has been hard for me. But thinking about the other’s point of view has allowed me some space to let compassion creep in. Not only for this family member but for myself.
Finding compassion for oneself during an emotional process is the first step towards finding compassion for others.
While this is at times frustrating because sometimes we just “want things to go away and be fine”, allowing space for reflection (and therefore, healing) is better than adding it to the “clog”.
When it comes to your own stories, how much compassion do you have for the other characters in your story? What do you suppose they are experiencing on their end?
When I say “choosing to let go”, please understand that I’m not suggesting to ignore anything, to simply “get over it”, quite the contrary: Acknowledge it first, accept what is, and choose what you want to do.
A couple of examples of what I mean:
I remember an ex telling me that it was “time to move on” even though I had not processed my grief over the events of 9/11 (I was living in Manhattan at the time). Boy was I pissed! How dare he tell me how to process events in my life! It was extremely judgemental of him and I was judging him as a result as well – I even started questioning and judging myself!
I had the intuition that it was not yet time, and trusted my gut. I needed to do a lot more writing and talking about these emotional events before letting go. I acknowledged that I needed more time to process and accepted this fact. I then chose to continue working through my grief with those who would listen and not judge me.
Another example:
A dear friend from college chose to unfriend me in every sense of the word. Facebook and real life. This hurt me deeply and I struggled with these feelings for over a year – after several attempts to reach out and discuss and reconcile our differences with no answer from this friend, I acknowledged that this was how things are now. Accepting this was hard, but eventually, I did, and I chose to let this friend go and move forward with my life.
What signs are you sensing that you truly ready – or not – to move on from whatever is causing the emotional clog in your system? What is your head, your heart, your gut telling you is right?
What does staying right where you are do for your health?
What does moving forward do?
If you find you are not ready to move forward (trust your gut), find your language and talk or write it out. Some prefer to process through art or other creative means. Find your language, and let it out. Find professional help with a therapist, counselor, or coach if you are able to.
What are you choosing to do, right here, right now…?
Whatever it is, I hope you are choosing with compassion – for others, and for yourself.
Be well, everyone.
In light of all that’s been going on in this world, I would like to offer you, dear reader, some coaching.
I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now. It does not have to be about nutrition or autoimmune issues. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind.
We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:
To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.
Be well, everyone, and I look forward to meeting you.
Sandy
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
Fatigue is a huge issue from which many of us suffer. We’re talking beyond busy lives and being tired (aka not getting enough sleep at night). This is mind-numbing fatigue. Where you simply can’t move. Muscles don’t respond, your brain doesn’t respond. Like our little…
