Shame and guilt.  Have you met these evil twins?  Yeah, they’re good friends of mine.  Yours too?  Huh, what are the chances!

A lot of shame comes up for me around the holidays.  I become ashamed thinking:  I’m not doing enough.  Or I feel guilty for not giving enough.  I feel that I’m not thankful enough.

Not a very pretty rabbit hole to be in.

Shame and Guilt: What is shame?  What is guilt? Aren’t they sort of the same thing?

Well, not really. In a nutshell:

We feel guilt when we’ve done something wrong.

We feel shame when we think there is something wrong with us.

Quite often we’ll say “I feel so guilty” but what we really mean is “I feel so ashamed”.

What causes shame? Many things can bring on this sensation:

• Wanting to be perfect all the time
• Failure to reach goals (New Year’s Resolutions, anyone?)
• The pressure of thinking we HAVE to do it all
• Being excluded from a group you were once a part of
• Being excluded from a group you wish to be a part of
• Not being loved by someone you love
• Going against social norms (getting divorced, choosing to not have children, eating a special diet, living an LGBTQ lifestyle, voting for an unpopular candidate, dressing differently, etc)
• Not living up to the expectations of friends and family
• etc etc etc.

In other words, when we feel judged by others – or when we judge ourselves – we can feel shame.

Shame tells us: “You’re not good enough.”

Ouch.

My Great-Aunt Theodora, shown in the photo above, committed suicide when she was about 30 years old.

Her death was not talked about in the family. No one really knows if she was working as a nurse at the asylum or if she was a patient there when she hung herself.

This photograph eventually ended up in the haymow on the family farm in southwestern Wisconsin, where it gathered dust, paint splatters, and god knows what else.

The photograph – and Theodora herself – were forgotten because of shame.

I imagine that my ancestors were so ashamed of her actions. Maybe they didn’t know how to face the grief and the sadness that came with this great loss. Perhaps they were afraid of judgment from friends and neighbors regarding this tragedy.  Maybe they thought something was “wrong” with them for having raised a child with health issues that resulted in her untimely death.

I wonder if they thought they weren’t “good enough” in some way shape or form.

I also wonder: how has our culture changed, if at all, when it comes to shame?  Would my family have the vulnerability and courage now to openly discuss and welcome the grief and sadness – and shame – that comes with such a tragedy…?

Part of me hopes so.

But, back to the most wonderful time of the year.

How many of us feel the pressure to “do” this time of year?

To create, to travel, to buy the perfect gift, to find the perfect holiday outfit, to make the perfect cookie or meal?

If this resonates with you, a follow-up question: What happens when that perfection is not attained? Do you feel a sense of shame?

If not, what feelings do arise? I’m asking this because shame can sometimes “hitchhike” on other feelings like anger, fear, or grief (as with my ancestors).

Despite my therapist always telling me “You know what? You’re doing GREAT. Really.” –  once in a while that shame still creeps up.

I feel ashamed that I’m not “doing more”. Ashamed that I’m not giving enough of myself to my clients, to my friends, to my family – especially this time of year when giving is expected by many.

Ah, the pressures we put on ourselves and our bodies – which may already be tired, fatigued, brain-fogged, and exhausted from whatever autoimmune issues we may be experiencing!

Some say the opposite of shame is curiosity.

I’m not a very black-and-white type of thinker, but I love the idea of getting curious when shame shows up at the door:

• What are the facts here, and what stories am I making up in my head? 
• Are other emotions are present that maybe I’m choosing to ignore – like fear or anger… or grief and loss?
• What does it look like to be empathic and compassionate to me and listen to my body’s signals instead of sensing the need to be perfect, to control the situation, or to meet others’ expectations?

This curiosity and pause allow me to relax (and sometimes literally roll my eyes at that not-always-kind inner voice), breathe, and offer myself some compassion.

The photograph of my Great-aunt Theodora now hangs in my living room.

She watches over me as I sit here on my computer (perhaps some of you have seen her over Zoom if you are a client of mine!).

I like the idea of her not being forgotten anymore. That maybe I’m helping heal the shame our family once felt.

I imagine that she is in a joyous space right now, a place where there are no judgments. Where everyone is doing just great and that everyone is good enough just as they are.

I imagine she is watching me juggle these self-imposed pressures of the holiday bustle – and that she is saying to me:

“You know what? You’re doing GREAT.”

And so are you.

Really.

I would love to be a support for you this holiday season and into the New Year. To book your Complimentary Session and Assessment, click here.

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach (A-CFHC) and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.

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Goodbye, 2020!  Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord… you know.

Despite this year being a challenging one in many ways, I have so much to be thankful for as 2020 winds down.

I took some time to reflect and journal what I’ve learned this year, what I want/need closure with, and what to do with these learnings and awareness moving forward into the new year.

When I close out a coaching relationship, my client and I will do a similar reflective exercise to take a look back at what was accomplished (or not) and consider how any new learnings or awareness can be used moving forward.  It can put a nice tidy end to the current chapter… or, it can leave a lot of room for sequels, which is usually the case (exciting!).  Life is never as neat and tidy as we desire it to be sometimes…

I invite you to do the same; some journal prompts are below to help whet your writing whistle. Feel free to write out your answers, see where your thoughts take you, and simply be curious along the way.

There’s no correct way to write or journal, and I often find that I end up a long way from where I started. This is ok! The point of this type of writing is to explore your thoughts, not to write the perfect essay.

Enjoy the process and just notice what comes up for you along the way.

Journal Prompts for End-Of-Year Reflections

How are you different from where you were a year ago? What new beliefs (if any) do you have about yourself? The world around you?

What are you most proud of right now?

What big changes have occurred for you personally this year?  What feelings or emotions come up for you around these changes? Take your time with this one.

What would you like to say to those emotions, if anything?  Are they ok to remain with you for a while, or would you like to say goodbye to them? What does this look like?  What benefits are there to keeping these emotions or letting them go?

Think of a time you failed at something this year, it can be something small or a failure of super-maxi-astronomical proportions. What did you learn?

What else did you learn?

Think of another time you have failed at something this year.  What did you learn in this instance?

Think of three more times where you failed at something and write down what you have learned, down to the smallest detail.

When you think about all that you learned this year, how will this affect how you move into the new year? What could be different?  What will be the same?

When you think of how you want to BE (not what you want to DO) in the new year, what comes up for you? What does it look like to bring this part of you forward?

What one piece of advice would you give yourself to take into the new year? When you think about this advice, what will support you the most in the new year to help you follow that advice?  (Support can be anything that will help support, excite, and inspire you to be your true authentic self.  Think of people, places/your surroundings and environment, daily routines/practices, etc.)

What could get in your way of following that advice?  What will you do when that challenge arises?

What else do you want for yourself in the new year?  Think physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally… whatever comes up.

What other inquiries of yourself would you like to take with you into the new year?  What would you like to leave behind?

What three words do you want to take with you into the new year?  Think of three that will excite and inspire you!

That’s it for now. Email me if you have any questions or would like to share, I always like hearing from my readers.

I wish each and every one of you a healthy and prosperous 2021. See you in the new year!

Sandy

“In the journal, I do not just express myself more openly than I could to any person; I create myself.”

– Susan Sontag

“My journal is the most important book I will ever write, and one of the most important I will ever read.”

– Robert Moss

– Flannery O’Connor

I would love to be a support to you in the new year. As your coach, I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in your world right now.  We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:

• creating new habits – or maintaining current habits
• helping you create structure in your life and a plan moving forward – whatever that may mean to you
• help you regain control if you are feeling out of control
• letting go of perfectionism when it comes to your health
• working through emotions of grief, sadness, or loss
• how best to manage stress and anxiety
• creating boundaries with family, friends, and co-workers
• giving yourself permission to just be – no matter where you are in your life.

To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.