Anger!!! Who here is angry?! About anything. The election, the fact your spouse never takes out the trash when you ask them to, that those damn kids won’t get off your lawn…ARGH!!!
Recently there was a flood of emails between myself and other family members regarding a recent health emergency back home. In one of my emails I hastily wrote something that wasn’t true – still can’t believe that I didn’t re-read and edit – I am still kicking myself for rushing to hit send.
Basically, I lied.
I did not mean to lie. What I meant to write and what came out on my computer were two very, VERY different things, the difference of a couple of words I had failed to type.
Part of me assumed they would understand my meaning and I thought nothing more of it. How dare I assume of others – not cool, Sandy, not cool at all. Language is so important.
One of my family members took great offense to some of my words. In re-reading my email, I could see how she could take those words the wrong way. But she also assumed. She assumed the worst. She assumed I was intentionally lying to other family members.
Her reaction (that included calling me to yell and shout with the use of some unsavory language, as well as hanging up on me – which in retrospect made giggle as hanging up via cellphone is just not the same as hanging up with a landline receiver) and anger was a shock.
After recovering from the barrage of hurtful words that happened during that phone call and taking the time to reflect on the whole turn of events, I decided to get curious about the concept of anger and penned out some thoughts on what to do if you or a loved one get angry.
Anger: What on earth is going on here??
Anger is often a cover-up for something else that’s going on. Talking about fear, anxiety, grief…emotions that have the potential to make us vulnerable if we give voice to them.
There may be feelings of guilt, of feeling unloved, or of being undervalued (like my family member above may have felt due to my words in that email) hiding under the surface.
If one does not have the resources or capability to deal with the emotions and feelings underneath, they may come out disguised as anger. Additionally, in today’s culture, it is not cool to have and show “soft” emotions or to appear “weak”.
It’s a big risk to show vulnerability to another – it’s hard.
It’s a lot easier to yell and shout.
For the person getting yelled at, it’s usually a lot easier to yell back or to find something else to get angry about so you can attack them.
And so the cycle goes.
Fight-Flight-Freeze Reaction
When someone is the recipient of another person’s anger, they may feel fear. The instinct that comes the experience of fear is to fight (yell back with anger), flee (get as far away as possible from the source of anger to conserve energy and resources) or freeze (do nothing and end up feeling feel hurt or sad. This is a common reaction of someone who has been the victim of someone’s repeated anger or gaslighting in a relationship – personal or professional).
Going back to my story, I felt myself figuratively “fleeing” from the person yelling at me, and my instinct told me that, for whatever reason, this person had the intent to harm me. Moving back and giving them space helped give me space as well, as well as time to reflect and consider exactly what just happened.
What do you notice your reaction is when someone is angry in your presence? Are you a fighter, or perhaps someone who freezes? or someone who flees the scene?
What about your reaction is useful and helpful? Consider this one carefully, as there is usually something that feels “safe” in the way we react.
Anger: Six Things To Consider.
There are a few things to consider when looking for the source of anger:
- A lie. When someone tells a lie, we get angry. This is what happened with the family member mentioned above when she read my piss-poorly written email; underneath that anger there was most likely a feeling of being undervalued for her efforts and work regarding our family emergency.
When faced with a lie, the best thing to do is to ask yourself: What about this lie bothers me – in other words, why am I getting angry? Am I able to confront the other person about my underlying feelings and emotions in a calm and rational way? Am I willing to hear the other side and be open to other possible perspectives?
Also, consider that all lies are not intentional; sometimes the facts are not clear and sometimes mistakes are made. Be open to listening. - Not being fully heard. In general, we don’t listen as deeply as we could. And when someone is not heard, it hurts. And we get angry. To be able to listen, and listen well, without reacting, is a skill that many of us could stand to refine a bit. My family member who hung up on me without allowing me the chance to speak got me angry! After the anger passed, however, I realized there was a lot of hurt I was feeling. I wasn’t heard, and this made me quite sad.
- Boundaries. If you find yourself getting angry over what someone else does, ask yourself: Do I have good boundaries? Or, was I super-duper clear about this particular boundary? If the answers are “well, not really…”, then this one is on you.
Language is important (as always!) when defining boundaries. More on this in an upcoming post. - Control. Are you trying to guilt or shame someone, or are you being a bully? Are you gaslighting? What are you trying to control? Sometimes we try to control things we simply are not meant to control. This frustration often comes out as anger towards the other person.
If you notice this frustration happening, ask yourself: What can I control, right here, right now? - Channeling someone else’s anger. I see this happening on social media all the time. One person gets riled up, and others follow suit. Instead of thinking about their own lives and what is going on inside, they allow the outer world (over which they have no control, see #4 above) to rule their emotions. They see someone they admire or respect get angry and as a result, they get angry too and spend a lot of energy fighting someone else’s battle.
Ask yourself: What is it costing me to be this angry? What other, more productive things can I be doing to support myself right now – instead of others? Make self-care a priority if you find yourself getting drawn into social media arguments – and step away if your anger is getting in the way of how you want to be living your life. - Something is being hidden. Sometimes we simply do not know how to be vulnerable or express our hurt or sadness or fear that is going on in other parts of our life; these are skills that take time to learn. But until they are learned, that hurt or sadness can come out as fear and the reaction is akin to the “fight” mentioned above. We lash out angrily instead of verbalizing our hurt and distress and put the hurt onto someone else, which make us feel better for a little while, sort of like a bandaid on an infected wound. Until the infection is taken care of, the bandaid isn’t going to do much.
One emotion hiding another is called a “distractor implant”: the anger is distracting you from what really needs to be processed within you.
A few questions to ask yourself if you feel anger coming on:
I encourage you to look at the six reasons above as to why anger may appear, and consider them the next time you feel anger bubbling up. Was a lie told? Did someone cross a boundary? Did I not feel heard? Is there something underneath I’m unwilling to face? If so, what is it..?
Recognize it, and name it. Giving your anger a label and a name can be helpful because it gives us some power and control over that anger, which is especially important if we feel out of control. We name it and label it – it’s not labeling or defining us.
What is it about reacting strongly, with anger, that is helpful to me right now? The other person? Is there another, kinder, gentler way to react? Be honest with yourself on this one.
What are the other possible perspectives here in this story (whatever story that might be)? Not only in relation to my own side but on the other side as well?
One final thought about anger.
If you are the recipient of someone else’s anger, ask yourself: What else does this person have going on in their life that could have caused this reaction? Suppose the anger directed at you was not about you – at all. What if they are terrified of being vulnerable and open – and it comes out as anger?
Next time someone tells you to get off their lawn, think about their story, and that it might not be about you at all.
“Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” ― Shannon L. Alder
MY OFFER TO YOU.
I would love to be a support to you, no matter what fears you are facing at this time. If you want to talk through the election, I’m here for you. I will listen deeply, offer empathy, and help you make sense of what’s going on in the world right now. We can talk about anything that’s on your mind:
- creating new habits – or maintaining current habits
- work challenges – either working from home or being out of work
- figuring out how to best spend your time with your now at-home children (and still retain your sanity)
- fears of starting a new career
- how best to manage stress
- guilty feelings about cheating on your diet
- fear around changing your diet
- feeling ok doing absolutely nothing for a while
- creating boundaries with family, friends, and co-workers
- helping you create structure in your life and a plan moving forward – whatever that may mean to you
- help you regain control if you are feeling out of control
- giving yourself permission to just be – no matter where you are in your life.
To book your Complimentary “Meet & Greet” Session and Assessment, click here.
Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach who received her training from Chris Kresser’s ADAPT Health Coach training course (A-CFHC) and is also a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC). You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.
