How to cultivate a better culture?

Jeff Krasno from One Commune asks: “What type of oak will grow from an acorn planted in polluted soil?”

I believe (like most Americans) that so much needs to be done in our country to solve the problem of senseless violence and senseless deaths.

I believe that it must begin with nurturing emotional intelligence – and not shoving emotions to the side.

It begins with listening – really listening – to others.

We need to learn how to cultivate compassion for ourselves (and all beings).

It begins with learning to “glamorize” the soul, not the screen.

We should be rewarding introspection and curiosity, not narcissism and wealth.

It begins with honoring the being, not the doing.  The quiet, not the action.

What does it look like for our culture to take its depleted soil and add nutrients, fertilizer, and compost?

When you look across the horizon and see that the acreage is in the billions, this seems like an impossible task.

But then you look closer and see tiny pockets of green.  Spaces where people are cultivating beautiful gardens.  Their neighbors see this and are inspired. And then those neighbor’s neighbors are inspired.

And so it goes.

One person, one garden, one seedling, can make a huge difference in this country. In this world.

How amazing would it be to have a pandemic of compassion and curiosity spread across this planet!

How to cultivate a better culture?

In what ways, if any, are you contributing to the cultivation of “healthier soil”?

In what ways, if any, are you blind to where you are stepping? Did you notice that caterpillar on that weed and step anyways?  What if that caterpillar turns into the most beautiful butterfly?  And if it turns into a tiny ugly moth – does it make a difference?

What are you doing to contribute to change?

Or do you even want things to change?

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Until next time, be well, be in compassion for yourself and others… and just be.

Sandy

Sandy Swanson is an ICF Associate Certified Coach (ACC), a Certified Functional Health Coach (A-CFHC), and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.

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Shame and guilt.  Have you met these evil twins?  Yeah, they’re good friends of mine.  Yours too?  Huh, what are the chances!

A lot of shame comes up for me around the holidays.  I become ashamed thinking:  I’m not doing enough.  Or I feel guilty for not giving enough.  I feel that I’m not thankful enough.

Not a very pretty rabbit hole to be in.

Shame and Guilt: What is shame?  What is guilt? Aren’t they sort of the same thing?

Well, not really. In a nutshell:

We feel guilt when we’ve done something wrong.

We feel shame when we think there is something wrong with us.

Quite often we’ll say “I feel so guilty” but what we really mean is “I feel so ashamed”.

What causes shame? Many things can bring on this sensation:

• Wanting to be perfect all the time
• Failure to reach goals (New Year’s Resolutions, anyone?)
• The pressure of thinking we HAVE to do it all
• Being excluded from a group you were once a part of
• Being excluded from a group you wish to be a part of
• Not being loved by someone you love
• Going against social norms (getting divorced, choosing to not have children, eating a special diet, living an LGBTQ lifestyle, voting for an unpopular candidate, dressing differently, etc)
• Not living up to the expectations of friends and family
• etc etc etc.

In other words, when we feel judged by others – or when we judge ourselves – we can feel shame.

Shame tells us: “You’re not good enough.”

Ouch.

My Great-Aunt Theodora, shown in the photo above, committed suicide when she was about 30 years old.

Her death was not talked about in the family. No one really knows if she was working as a nurse at the asylum or if she was a patient there when she hung herself.

This photograph eventually ended up in the haymow on the family farm in southwestern Wisconsin, where it gathered dust, paint splatters, and god knows what else.

The photograph – and Theodora herself – were forgotten because of shame.

I imagine that my ancestors were so ashamed of her actions. Maybe they didn’t know how to face the grief and the sadness that came with this great loss. Perhaps they were afraid of judgment from friends and neighbors regarding this tragedy.  Maybe they thought something was “wrong” with them for having raised a child with health issues that resulted in her untimely death.

I wonder if they thought they weren’t “good enough” in some way shape or form.

I also wonder: how has our culture changed, if at all, when it comes to shame?  Would my family have the vulnerability and courage now to openly discuss and welcome the grief and sadness – and shame – that comes with such a tragedy…?

Part of me hopes so.

But, back to the most wonderful time of the year.

How many of us feel the pressure to “do” this time of year?

To create, to travel, to buy the perfect gift, to find the perfect holiday outfit, to make the perfect cookie or meal?

If this resonates with you, a follow-up question: What happens when that perfection is not attained? Do you feel a sense of shame?

If not, what feelings do arise? I’m asking this because shame can sometimes “hitchhike” on other feelings like anger, fear, or grief (as with my ancestors).

Despite my therapist always telling me “You know what? You’re doing GREAT. Really.” –  once in a while that shame still creeps up.

I feel ashamed that I’m not “doing more”. Ashamed that I’m not giving enough of myself to my clients, to my friends, to my family – especially this time of year when giving is expected by many.

Ah, the pressures we put on ourselves and our bodies – which may already be tired, fatigued, brain-fogged, and exhausted from whatever autoimmune issues we may be experiencing!

Some say the opposite of shame is curiosity.

I’m not a very black-and-white type of thinker, but I love the idea of getting curious when shame shows up at the door:

• What are the facts here, and what stories am I making up in my head? 
• Are other emotions are present that maybe I’m choosing to ignore – like fear or anger… or grief and loss?
• What does it look like to be empathic and compassionate to me and listen to my body’s signals instead of sensing the need to be perfect, to control the situation, or to meet others’ expectations?

This curiosity and pause allow me to relax (and sometimes literally roll my eyes at that not-always-kind inner voice), breathe, and offer myself some compassion.

The photograph of my Great-aunt Theodora now hangs in my living room.

She watches over me as I sit here on my computer (perhaps some of you have seen her over Zoom if you are a client of mine!).

I like the idea of her not being forgotten anymore. That maybe I’m helping heal the shame our family once felt.

I imagine that she is in a joyous space right now, a place where there are no judgments. Where everyone is doing just great and that everyone is good enough just as they are.

I imagine she is watching me juggle these self-imposed pressures of the holiday bustle – and that she is saying to me:

“You know what? You’re doing GREAT.”

And so are you.

Really.

I would love to be a support for you this holiday season and into the New Year. To book your Complimentary Session and Assessment, click here.

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach (A-CFHC) and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.

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“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or
falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.”

― C.S. Lewis

Autoimmune disease and beliefs.  What comes up for you when reading that?

I used to believe that once I was on thyroid meds, all would return to normal despite my having Hashimoto’s.

I also believed that what I needed to do was to work as hard as I could to get “my life back” – to return to the way I was prior to my diagnosis – and only then could I move forward with my life.

The more I learned, however, the more I questioned these beliefs.

I realized that life constantly shifts and changes every single day, autoimmune disease or not.  To hold on to some notion that life should be a certain way (with or without chronic illness) was actually pretty silly.

I shifted my belief around this notion that life had to be a certain way – and it opened unending possibilities for me as a result.

Common beliefs about autoimmune disease.

Below are some examples of beliefs we may have about our health:

• When it comes to autoimmune disease, many may hold fast to the belief that we have to eat a certain way to feel good.
• We might believe that our loved ones will love us less or be angry if we don’t eat what they’ve cooked for us.
• We believe that one must exercise a certain amount to lose weight.
• We believe that one shouldn’t do anything strenuous if we have autoimmune disease.
• We have beliefs that our doctors must always be right because of their vast knowledge and training and working with them is the only way to fully heal.
• We believe that we don’t need doctors to heal.
• We have beliefs about taking medication – or not.
• We believe that because our parents have a disease, we are destined to get it as well.
• We believe it’s our fate to be sick, so there’s nothing we can do.
• We believe that because there’s no cure for autoimmune disease, so there’s no point in trying to make things better.

Which of these resonate with you, if any? Anything you would add?

How to deal with these beliefs?

So what to do when everything we read about how to live with autoimmune disease is so very different than how we were raised? Or different than what we wanted or imagined for ourselves? Or when the information out there is so new that our doctors, steeped in old methods and procedures, do not even offer it to us?

Changing belief systems is HARD work. For doctors too.

It’s especially hard in our culture and society where so much focus is put on food, on exercise, on body image, on the types of doctors we see. We see confirmation of these old beliefs daily in the news and on social media. We leave no room for options. We believe there is no other way.  We assume that things are the way they are and that’s that.

Five things to help change your beliefs.

It’s up to us to do the hard work of shifting what we believe to be true when it comes to our health.  Some thoughts here on how to gently start teasing apart those beliefs:

• Awareness.  What are you avoiding? Awareness is ALWAYS the first step to shifting a belief. For those of you who took my Reimagining Hashimoto’s course this spring, we spent a bit of time on this concept (I’ll be offering this course again in the fall for those interested in joining me then).
• Emotions – especially fear or anger.  What emotions are coming up for you as you work on your health? Often times we get angry or defensive when our beliefs are challenged. Be gentle and be curious and ask yourself: what is that about? is there an underlying fear beneath that anger that may need teasing apart before you can move forward?
• Your mindset.  What about your beliefs are helpful in your healing process?  What are harmful?  Awareness of how our thoughts can help or hurt us can be helpful in uncovering how our beliefs are holding us back – or moving us forward – when it comes to our health. If one is stuck in a mire of negativity, consider how this is helpful to you. It usually is, in some small, seemingly insignificant way. And that way, no matter how small, usually indicates the path forward.
• Curiosity.  Question everything, especially when information contradicts your current beliefs.  The more information we have that contradicts us, the more open we become to shifting our beliefs. Be curious, be open to new information. That said, also be aware of confirmation bias or arguing or becoming defensive. Are you just looking for something to satisfy what you want to hear? Is there fear underlying this refusal to be open to other information? Is there a need to be right? If so, what’s that about…?
• Intuition. What is your gut telling you about your current beliefs and other beliefs when it comes to your health?  I invite you to play around with sensing past what the mind is thinking. Our brains often get in the way of our intuition by providing lots of judgments and perceptions that muck up the clear waters of our intuition. What does it look like to separate the mind and the gut?
• Perspective. Is there another perspective you’re missing? For example, we might think we are “broken” due to our health issues, and putting the pieces back together to create a new life will seem less than ideal. That we failed.
  But: like the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where pottery is mended with gold as in the photo above, we can choose to look at our brokenness as a thing of renewed strength and beauty, not sadness or frailty.  Our health may allow us to eat better than we’ve ever eaten, to listen, really listen to our bodies, to care for ourselves in a way that most people do not.  This may take a lot of work and usually results in us being more resilient than your average person.

Do you believe in life after autoimmune disease?

Stepping outside of our beliefs can be scary. It’s uncomfortable. Being challenged for what we perceive as the truth is hard.

Rewriting beliefs is a great first step towards changing your diet, your exercise plan, your daily routine.  It makes things easier. It restores the flow to your life.

Understanding that our life may never be the same because of autoimmune disease can be devastating.  And it can also be freeing.  It can open up possibilities that may never have been thought of before.

I now believe that my life is richer than it ever would have been without Hashimoto’s.  But of course, I will never know that for sure. Sometimes certain beliefs are not a bad thing to have. 🙂

I would love to be a support if you are looking to make either big or little shifts in your life and what beliefs you currently hold surrounding your health and autoimmune disease.  To book your Complimentary Session and Assessment, click here.

Sandy Swanson is a Certified Functional Health Coach (A-CFHC) and a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC).  You can learn more about her here and more about what coaching is here.

Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash